Good Job! Are we praising our kids too much?
I realize it has been a while since I have written. I am not sure if that’s good or bad. My kids might say “good job, mom! stepping away from your computer and taking a break”.
And that brings us to today’s topic. I read the most interesting blog while I was on vacation. It was posted on a Montessori School website and was called “Five Reasons to Stop Saying ‘Good Job!'”. I somehow ended up clicking on it through twitter even though my boys are both beyond Montessori years. Anyhow, I have not been able to stop thinking about and talking about this article. Maybe, because I worry I am a grown up product of the “Good Job” culture. I am not blaming my parents, teachers, or anyone else for this. But I am not going to deny it, I still like it when someone tells me “Good Job” or something like it. Just in my yoga class this morning, the teacher said “Nice, Lori!”. And yes, it made me feel good. Was I really doing anything that deserved praise? Probably not. But just knowing that she had recognized my efforts pushed me a little more. 
I get what the authors of the Montessori article are saying. Or at least what I think they are trying to say. “Good Job” has become overused. Heck, who hasn’t gotten a good job sticker on homework? And what grown up employee doesn’t like to hear “Good Job”?
As for saying “Good Job”, I think I am the worst offender. At my kids sporting events, I like to compliment every child who comes off the ice or field. “Nice Job, Good Job, Great Game”. When I say it to my own kids, they get annoyed with me. They’ll say mom, why are you saying “Good Job?” It wasn’t!
Since reading the article I have started counting how many times a day, I say or hear “Good Job”. Let’s just say I ran out of fingers and toes. I said it several times to my husband while we played Eucher on opposing teams. That didn’t go over so well. I said it to my kids when they put their plates in the sink. My husband repeated it several times to my youngest son as they cooked dinner together for their video premier of “Cooking with Dad”.
By continually praising our children’s efforts, I tend to agree with the Montessori school notion that we are programming them to seek praise for everything they do. Kids need to learn at an early age how to trust their own instincts instead of seeking out affirmation for every move. Bottom line is, I don’t think it would hurt if we tried to scale back on our use of non descriptive compliments like “Good Job”. Otherwise the children will grow up to be like me. It’s not all bad, but I do struggle with insecurity. Even before I publish a blog, I want others to read it first and tell me “good job” before I share it.
I like the notion of turning the tables when a child asks “Do you like it? What do you think?”. Instead of blurting out Good Job without much thought, ask the child what they think of their work. Not only do I plan to try this approach with my children, but also think it could be more effective in day to day situations that arise with adults.
How do you use the phrase good job? Do you think it’s overused? How has it impacted your life, or you child’s life?
Do you think I did a good job explaining the issue? (wink, wink)
I am one to say Good Job all the time. I belive that this is a very positive thing to say to anyone. And I will continue to say it. Lori, you do say Good Job all the time and I think you need continue saying it because that is part of who you are and why change!! Big Hug! Suzanne
Suzanne.. big hug back.. but I am going to try and be much more choosey about how I use Good Job. I want to make sure I back it up with specific examples. I think it will mean more. It won’t be easy… but change is good! Right?
Hey Lori! This idea completely informs how I teach. When praising, specifics are the key. I also spend 50% of class time making students re-do their work so it becomes a habit for them to correct a mistake instead of getting upset about it. Many of my students come to me believing that if they complain enough someone else will fix the problem (which is what happens at home). Here is an interesting article on the same topic you wrote about: http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2007/10/29/are-kids-getting-too-much-praise/
See you in August!
Hi Meredith… So glad you shared the NY Times article. I know a few people have already clicked on it… such great information. It really sounds like you are making a difference in these students lives. And yes… it’s important to teach kids how to fix their own mistakes instead of relying on someone else to fix the mistakes for them. Love your passion for teaching.
Good job, Lori! But seriously, I can’t remember the last time I said “Good Job” to someone in person. Plenty of Thank Yous, but I haven’t really taken the time to praise someone in a while. That’s a bit sad really. Too much the other direction.
Or maybe I just think I haven’t since, when I do, the phrase I choose is “Nice Work!”
Hi Keenie Beanie…
It’s all about balance right? Maybe people aren’t giving you a reason to praise them. But I would say if people do something that impresses you, it never hurts to let them know what they did that stood out. For instance, I was at Pappa Murphy’s pizza yesterday and I let them know how great they are at dealing with high maintenance people like me. I love that we have connected on twitter too.
🙂 on the twitter connection and I am going to start looking for reasons to give honest praise.
I thought of your post this week when I heard a public radio segment with a professer studying the impact of the way children are praised on the way they deal with failure. A summary of the interview is here: http://www.oregonhumanities.org/magazine/issue/fail/reed-college-professor-jennifer-henderlong-corpus-and-goals/
Hi Lori. You do a good job, and I do not overuse that phrase. I absolutely think people, especially teachers, do overuse it.
I’m from the Dr. Spock guinea pig generation. If kids were clean and well-behaved, no one much cared how they got that way, and praise was something you earned by doing something beyond what was expected of you in the normal course of a day. I.e., of course you did your homework, and of course you put your dishes in the sink. It’s just what people did. Praise was for making an A or washing the dishes to help out your mom when she didn’t tell you to. That was the opposite extreme of what you’re talking about.
I heard an NPR interview with an HR specialist a few years ago talking about this very thing. She said Gen Xers were not lazy, they were just motivated differently. In the past, people showed up to work because it’s what they had to do to get a paycheck. Gen Xers expect to be praised for coming in to work. They expect praise for every copy they make, every report they produce, and every office party they organize, or they feel unappreciated and slack off. If given that praise, they are quality, productive workers. I found that fascinating.
I also find your perspective fascinating. It never occured to me that too much praise would create feelings of insecurity. I think that, while I certainly praise my children and listen to them a great deal more than my parents’ generation did with me, I’ve never praised them for common activities, and I think I don’t praise them enough. However, they are pretty confident people who don’t seek outside affirmation very often. I wonder if there’s a connection.
Thanks so much for your thoughtful post.
Piper… you nailed it with your sentence about the Gen Xers being “motivated differently”. I don’t want my kids growing up to be motivated by praise. I want that motivation to come from within not linked to pleasing someone else. I believe by praising your children when they go above and beyond, that praise means something. And my goal is to start laying off the Good Jobs for common activities. I like your approach. Piper, please know how much I appreciate your insightful perspectives. Thank you for contributing.
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